How Do I Use Observation to Make My Child’s Life Less Stressful (and Reduce My Own Frustration)?
Observation in a Montessori home is constant and ever changing. The skill of observation takes lots of practice but can be your greatest tool to meet the needs of your child. If you are stuck trying to find practical ways to implement this tool, I hope that you can use my story as a jumping-off point.
How I Knew It Was Time to Observe: I Was Getting Annoyed
I was struggling to see how to meet the needs of my 2.5-year-old daughter. I needed time and energy focused on helping her and myself. What I found was surprising.
My daughter started asking me, “What are we doing next?“ She would ask when we were having lunch, or coming home from a walk. She would ask at bedtime. She was asking all the time. And I was starting to get annoyed.
I thought to myself, “She knows what we we’re doing; we have had the same routine for months.” Our routine is so set I am bored by the same exact robotic schedule every day. I chose this schedule for her so she would know what to expect. Why isn’t it working?
How I Started Observing: I Sat and Took Notes
I got out my Observation Notes page and got started. (You too can have this resource when you sign up for my newsletter.) I noted the time of day and what had been happening before the observation.
I also wrote down that my daughter had a wellness doctor visit and a flu shot two weeks prior. She had also stayed up late one night to see the moon and her sleep had been off. I tried to note all the things that were not normal in her routine.
I Noted the Environment
Then I took note of the space we were in. The sun was shining in the window where she was playing and she kept squinting. She turned on her music and had it playing low in the background. My husband was on a work call and his voice was muffled coming from the other room.
I Wrote Everything Down—Even the Boring Stuff
I observed for 20 minutes and just noted what she did. How many times did she do the puzzle and how was she holding the pieces? I noted when she started to do the pee pee dance and how quickly, or slowly, she honored her body’s request to pee.
I wrote down the words she told herself in the mirror in the bathroom (it was an excellent pep talk). I wrote how she made the towel into an umbrella and sang Come Under My Umbrella. I wrote it all down.
I Reviewed My Notes and Found … Nothing
After this focused observation I sat and tried to find common themes. Was the sunlight distracting her and that’s whey she stopped her puzzle? Was the music so exciting that she didn’t want to leave the room for two minutes to pee? Does she want to use an umbrella and she’s hoping for rain?
Nothing really stood out or seemed to fit. Then we started lunch and she said, “What are we doing next?”
I was so annoyed. Nothing that I observed gave me any insight into this question or why she would be so fixated on it.
How I Adjusted to Meet My Child’s Needs: I Started Observing on the Fly
I needed to step outside of my frustration and start observing specifically when she asked “What’s next?” and pay attention to the context.
I noticed that:
The question came up when we were transitioning from one activity to the next.
When I was busy doing something like unloading the dishwasher she would come ask me, “What are we doing next?”
She would ask this question at lunch, right before nap, and at dinner, right before bedtime.
After paying closer attention, I noticed she wasn’t saying this all the time; it only felt to me like it was happening all the time. She was saying this in moments of uncertainty. She was anxious. She needed reassurance.
Now That I Understood What Triggered This Behavior, I Needed to Determine How to Help Her
When my child—or any child—is anxious, she needs comfort and support via attention and love. She also needs more structure to help her feel secure.
We had been using a visual schedule for months. In July I observed that she wasn’t dependent upon it and we slowly discontinued using it for each transition. She was secure in our consistent routine.
I started thinking specifically about why she would have anxiety and what the root of this was so that I could better support her.
I Figured Out the Genesis of Her Behavior
Two weeks ago we went to the doctor for her routine checkup. My family has been home and isolated from others outside of Zoom calls. My daughter has not been in an enclosed space with other people for months. We prepared her for her visit. We talked through what might happen. After her visit she has played doctor and nurse each day to process this event.
Two weeks ago she started asking, “What are we doing next?”
It all clicked together. She was anxious about this big event that even in normal times is anxiety-inducing. Add to it masks and temporal thermometers and seeing people after being told that we are staying home to keep people healthy. Not to mention my own anxiety around the idea that my baby is getting a flu shot and historically has screamed through the entire visit.
I Made Some Changes to Make My Child Feel Less Stressed
What do I do with all this info?
I find ways to provide security. She doesn’t know what is coming next, so:
I tell her what is coming next before she asks.
I reinstate the visual schedule, showing her what we are doing now, next, and later.
We review the day each morning and talk about what we’ll do.
We talk about any out-of-the-norm outings that are coming a few days in advance to prepare her.
Does She Still Ask What Is Next?
Yes. But only when it’s right before food, because she loves to eat.
She does still ask this question but the difference is my reaction. I am not annoyed by her because I found the root of it and have been working to meet her needs. This root cause took away my frustration because it humanized this sweet child looking for safety and my patience is infinite in support of that goal.
She doesn’t need to ask me this question as much because of the changes I made to our day and to my perspective. Now I’m just annoyed by having to read the same book 38 times a day. But there are no changes for that.
Want More Observation Info?
Check out my previous post How To Meet Your Child’s Needs: Observing, Understanding, Adjusting for more in-depth understanding of Montessori and observation.