How Do We Teach Our Children Kindness? Through Grace and Courtesy
Have you ever walked down the street and had someone bump into your elbow? What was your first thought? I often go straight to: “Did you not see me there? How can you not pay attention to others?”
Its annoying, people who only look out for themselves. (In reality, we have all been the perpetrator in moments like these and it could be that person’s one moment of being distracted. But I’m still pretty harsh.)
‘I Don’t Want My Kid to Be a Jerk’
When you become a parent, you hope that your child won’t turn out like that. You want your child to take care of others and show kindness.
But what are you doing to help them understand? Hope is not enough.
When Do You Start Teaching Children to Be Mindful of Others?
It starts with you modeling kindness to others, and it starts as soon as you have children.
You model how to take care of the other people in your household. You model how to be grateful for someone else’s kindness by saying “thank you.” You fold laundry for your family members. You wash dishes so that others can have clean plates for dinner.
Your infant child is absorbing this care for others and understanding that it is part of the social schema of your household.
If you didn’t start this from the very beginning, it’s not too late, but the earlier the better. Most people don’t know that children as young as 1 are capable of taking care of others. In the schools where I have taught, I’ve observed 1-year-old children toddle over with a tissue to a friend who is crying.
You Can Practice Kindness to Others at Home
When you lay out the expectation and you model that expectation, your child will learn quickly that they have a place in a larger social system in which they play a role.
Consider these questions:
Do you allow your child to interrupt you?
Do you allow your child to take things out of your hands when they want to play?
Do you respond when your child shouts demands at you?
If you have answered yes to any of these questions, think about how those behaviors would translate to school. Would you like your child to treat another child that way? Would you like your child to treat a future life partner that way?
Socialization Is Just as Important as Reading
We place a great value on exposing our children to counting and the alphabet from an early age because we see these as the building blocks for education.
What if we saw social graces the same way? Dr. Maria Montessori did.
She added to her curriculum lessons on grace and courtesy. These lessons give each child in the classroom the chance to contribute to the group in caring and loving ways. They include:
How to walk around work spaces without bumping other children
Giving thanks for the meals prepared through song or word
Setting the tables for meals
Waiting your turn for the material being used and being aware that others would like a turn
Helping other children who have spilled or broken things
Giving lessons to new or younger children
Model Grace and Courtesy at Home
I am a big proponent of family dinners. They teach children so much about social expectations, from chewing with your mouth closed to waiting for your turn to talk in conversations.
Start here. Model for your child how to talk about your day and actively listen when each member of the family is speaking. Model how to neatly eat your food and use your utensils to get the food to your mouth. Give your child the opportunity to contribute to the conversation and truly listen to their words.
Model How to Show Kindness Outside Your Home, As Well
When you are walking on the street, wave at your neighbor. Bring your neighbor’s trash cans to their garage after garbage pickup. Ask someone how they are and stick around to listen to the answer. Be kind to the service people you interact with: food delivery, grocery clerks, drive-thru operators.
Show your child that every person has value and deserves to be treated well simply for existing.
Grace and Courtesy Is Not Just About Sharing
In our culture, there is a large focus on children being able to share. But the true value lies in learning that there are other people in your space and that you should consider their needs in addition to your own.
Grace and courtesy is not about giving up your things so you can be nice to others; it’s about living in a society that values all people and makes sure everyone has opportunity—including the opportunity to play with toys.
“What is social life if not the solving of social problems, behaving properly and pursuing aims acceptable to all?”
-Dr. Maria Montessori