How Can I Help My Child Be More Independent?
Independence is the cornerstone of the Montessori philosophy, both in school and at home. For parents, fostering independence in the child at home means removing ourselves as much as possible by not interrupting. It takes some prep work to set up a young child for Independence. But by adequately preparing your space, your child, and yourself, you can make it work—and both you and your child will feel the benefits.
Of course, you may not be there yet.
What Can Your Child Do Without Your Help?
Imagine:
It’s 8:30 a.m. and your child’s school drop-off ends at 8:45. Your child is lying limp on the floor as you slam their foot into each shoe. You help them stand up and hold out their coat for them to place their arms in. Instead, they grab something off the nearby table. You take it from their hand, throw it down, and shove their arm in the sleeve of the coat as they start to spin around the room. You try with your last glimmer of patience to find the other arm and slip it into the remaining sleeve. Finally you’re ready to go. Phew!
Does this sound familiar?
I want to propose something to you: Your child can do some or all of those tasks without you.
If you could step outside of yourself and ask whether you let your child do the things they are capable of doing independently … what would your answer be?
If it’s too hard to see that far outside of yourself, consider this: Do you know what your child can do without your help?
There may be times when your child is with another adult—your partner or a grandparent, maybe—and you observe them doing more for themselves than you knew they were capable of.
“Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.” —Dr. Maria Montessori
Consider the Role You Play in Your Child’s Independence
We must think about the message we are sending when we do things for children that they can do on their own. This message can be one of doubt and mistrust.
If your child is capable of cleaning up after themselves but you do it for them, this may send a message that you don’t think they can do it correctly. Or that you don’t like the way they are cleaning up. Children are very egocentric and they may interpret this as their fault; they may build a negative self-image around the fact that you don’t trust them to clean up correctly.
Dr. Maria Montessori highlighted the idea that children are born with a guiding light toward independence. They don’t need to be pushed to do things for themselves; they are born with this instinct. But the child’s drive toward independence may have hit some roadblocks in the form of their environment or the adults who interact with them. As a result, the child submits to the adult doing tasks for them.
“The child’s first instinct is to carry out his actions by himself, without anyone helping him, and his first conscious bid for independence is made when he defends himself against those who try to do the action for him.”
—Dr. Maria Montessori
It’s Never Too Late to Foster Independence
If upon reflection you are seeing that you are doing things for your child that they can do for themselves, it's not too late to stop. But don’t just go cold turkey.
Your child has grown accustomed to you doing things for them. To reignite their zeal for independence, you must slowly remove your full support, showing your child that you trust them to do things on their own while gradually removing the barriers you’ve built.
Just like with putting on clothes, we must provide our children with small, manageable steps to complete, and we must slowly build upon those steps until they are fully independent.
For example, you may want to starting having your child clean up from dinner. Follow these steps to build toward independent completion of this task
Start by providing a place for your child to put their dishes: a dish bin that they can reach without assistance.
At first, have them bring just their silverware to the bin while you carry the rest of the dishes.
Once that is going well, ask your child to take all their dishes to the bin one at a time, and you will take the napkin and placemat.
Keep increasing the tasks your child is doing until they are cleaning up everything by themselves.
Act as a supportive guide when they get distracted. Model cleaning up after yourself in this same way.
Embrace Your New Role as a Supportive Guide
A supportive guide narrates what the child is doing without praising. “I see that you cleared the whole table.” “That was a big job and you completed it without help.” “You were struggling to carry that plate but you got it to the bin.”
You may be reading this and wondering, How do I know what my child can do without my help? You need to observe. Observation is key to understanding your changing child.
Without observation, it’s easy to fall into a routine of, for example putting on a child’s shoes and coat without letting them try, even though they may have stronger fine motor skills than they did two weeks ago.
Try these tactics to determine what your child is capable of doing independently:
Let your child in on what you are doing. “I wonder whether this is something you could do on your own. I am here to help when you need it but let's see what you can do.”
Practice these things when you are not crunched for time. Have them try to put on their coat when you are going for a walk and you have nowhere to go instead of when you need to get out the door for school.
Observe them with other adults. Watch how your child’s teacher or another caregiver interacts with them and observe how your child responds to a different adult.
The Road to Independence Needs a Good Foundation—for You and for Your Child
It is key to prepare your child with coping strategies before you slowly step back from doing things for them.
Provide a toolbox of things they can do when they get frustrated or items they can use to get their anger out. Develop a practice with them around how to cope with these emotions. This toolbox is helpful for all times, but it will be especially key to a successful transition to independence.
I’m sure some of you will read all of this and still think: “My kid would never do this. I have to do it for them.”
You may be right. The systems you have in place right now may not be what your child needs to thrive independently. But there is hope.
It will take work on your part to find patience while waiting for them to complete a task. You must also allow yourself time to keep from stepping in to help when you are not needed. You must also build their emotional coping strategies.
"The greatest gifts we can give our children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence."
—Dr. Maria Montessori
And finally you must believe that it is possible. Small children do independent tasks all day in Montessori schools around the world. Your child can do it. And you can, too.
Set up a consultation to get personalized guidance on your family’s independence journey.