Montessori Parenting Part III: The Prepared Adult at Home
As you begin your journey in Montessori parenting, you have learned about the prepared environment and how important it is to choose items for your home based on the needs of your individual child.
But have you considered how YOU are part of that environment? You are essentially an item for your child to learn from and you can be appropriate for their development.
The Montessori Adult as Part of the Environment
Dr. Maria Montessori studied child development and how children interact with the items in their environment. As she observed children manipulating items in the environment, she would add or eliminate items that didn’t serve the purpose the children in the classroom needed.
She spoke of the teacher in this environment as an aid to learning.
The teacher, or directress, in the classroom must be used like a material on the shelf. This unique person must be inconspicuous, yet ready when needed by the child. The main objective of the teacher is to provide a connection between the child and the materials.
The Montessori Teacher Doesn’t Teach; They Guide the Child to Learn
This sounds very cold, but looking at it through scientific terms the teacher is a variable whose demeanor can manipulate the outcomes of the subject. If a teacher comes in angry they can create an environment of fear that affects how the children will learn and engage in the space. If the teacher is always sickeningly cheery the child may not feel safe to be sad and this will affect their learning.
The teacher must prepare themselves with as much preparation as they do the classroom.
“The training of the teacher who is to help life is something far more than the learning of ideas. It includes the training of character; it is a preparation of the spirit.”
—Dr. Maria Montessori
In the Classroom the Montessori Teacher Is Poised
As a teacher myself I felt a huge sense of responsibility to leave my personal problems at the door of the classroom and be very in tune with the energy I brought into the space. I was devoted to working through my anxieties and struggles before I entered the classroom. I also excused myself when I needed to work through big feelings. I appreciated that my job required me to tend to myself in order to be present for the children.
People would comment on how I was pleasant or seemed so calm even in times of chaos. I was, because I worked hard in my private life to help myself work through these anxieties. I was able to feel and make mistakes in the classroom. I was able to model real emotions but was mindful that this space wasn’t for me. It was for the children.
But what about parents?
The Montessori Home Environment Allows Space for All Individuals to Grow
Parents do not have this luxury. The prepared environment in your home is also YOUR home. This is the space you come to to unwind. At home you can truly be yourself. In many cases you are surrounded by the people you feel safest with and can fully be supported by. You are not able to leave your frustrations at the door. And you shouldn’t have to—especially not for your child.
For children to learn appropriate coping tools, parents must model them. When you've had a hard day and are very grumpy you can tell your child, “I am so frustrated today.” And maybe you tell them you need a minute to listen to loud music and get your frustration out. Or maybe you snap at your child for asking the same question over and over, and then model how to apologize and repair. In your home you have the chance to model how to cope with the world.
“We must not suppress those traits which can help us in our teaching, but we must check those inner attitudes characteristic of adults that can hinder our understanding of a child.”
—Dr. Maria Montessori
Parents Have a Responsibility to Heal Their Angry Parts
Dr. Montessori talked of how adults are weighed down by pride and anger. In parenting you become angry with your child for behaviors that annoy you, rather than seeing that the behaviors are developmentally appropriate. You act from a place of pride when correcting your child because you want others to believe you are a great parent, rather than listening to the needs of your child.
You are not alone. Throughout life adults have formed coping mechanisms that may not serve the grown-up. You must shed those tools and move toward healing, for your child.
“He must rid his heart of pride and anger. He must learn how to humble himself and be clothed with charity. These are the virtues he must acquire and this inner preparation will give him the balance and poise which he will need.”
—Dr. Maria Montessori
You must also be aware of the effect your behaviors have on your child. If you are acting out of anger often as you respond to your child, you must tend to that part of yourself to be present as you show up.
The more work you do for your own psyche, the better parent you will be.
This is intimidating. This takes work. But it doesn’t need to overwhelm you.
What Do You Need to Do to Remain Present for Your Child?
Get therapy: I will scream it from the rooftops: Therapy has made me parent with intention because I understand the obstacles that block my peaceful intentions. As I learn about my own needs and heal the parts of me that are quick to anger, I find that my response to my daughter is much more about compassion than frustration.
Seek regulation: I talk a lot about child sensory regulation but we rarely focus on adults. We need regulation, too. Find out what your body needs to be regulated and build it into your day. It could be things like movement or music; it could be energizing, like push-ups, or calming, like meditation.
Repair: As you become aware of the moments in which you have responded unfairly to your child, work to see your faults and apologize. This moment of repair shows your child it is about you and not them, and models how to take responsibility for your actions.
Learn: If it's not your field of work, child development may not be something you know much about, so take some time to learn about child development for your child’s age. As you learn you will understand what kind of brain development is happening, what is typical, and what your expectations can be for their behaviors.
Observe: Make time to look around at your space, without judging yourself, to identify any barriers to your child’s development and see what can be adjusted to make things better for everyone.
Set boundaries: Our children learn how to tell others what they need by watching us set boundaries. Just like your child, you deserve to be treated with respect. Make time to be alone and tell your child you need it. Tell your child it hurts when they kick you and tell them to stop. Make sure your needs are met as much as it can be expected
Your Own Emotional Regulation and Self-Awareness Are Your Greatest Parenting Tools
The more regulated you are with regards to your emotions, the more you can provide a loving, safe space for your child to grow. It takes work and time, but with this effort you can parent intentionally and be present with your child. In a regulated space we can see the child crying out for love and guidance rather than seeing the child as a bother to us.
“We must believe in all the good that lies hidden in the child and prepare ourselves to recognize it with loving concern”
—Dr. Maria Montessori