Montessori Parenting IV—Talking Respectfully to Your Child

When I was a teacher parents would drop their crying child off and I would greet the child or give them space depending on what they needed at the moment. The parents would often comment, “I wish I knew how to talk to my child like you do.”

It had become second nature to me and at the time I didn’t really understand what these parents meant.

Then I had my own child. 

As I stand frustrated and watch my naked toddler run around my house refusing to put her underwear on, I understand. The parents were talking about how I spoke calmly to their child and listened to what they needed, even when things were hectic or the children were having challenging moments.

Montessori Teachers Speak Calmly Because They’re Trained to—and They’re at Work

In the classroom, teachers are prepared. In last week’s post I wrote about how the adults who work with children must spiritually prepare themselves by tending to their own anger and pride.

These classroom guides are trained and they work daily to meet each child where they are and to act with intention and awareness of each word that is spoken. In their interactions with children, these teachers project and inspire a great sense of calm.

But let me remind you, we teachers are at work. We can turn it on because that is what we are there to do. We are trained to see the child as they are in the moment and allow them space to be. Teaching is a huge practice of focusing divided attention, but since we’re at work, we can tune out the distractions from our personal lives.

Parents Can’t So Easily Tune Out Distractions to Focus on the Child—and That’s OK

When you are interacting with your own child, things come up. 

Personally, I am constantly juggling multiple priorities, distractions, and thoughts:

• I have a list of things that need to be done around the house while my daughter wants to play with me. 

• I have work to accomplish that needs my attention when my daughter is telling me a story. 

• When my daughter needs help as we are walking out the door, I am stressed looking at the clock and seeing we are late.

I do my best, but I am not able to filter the distractions as easily as when I was at work in the classroom.

And that’s OK. Because my daughter is learning from me how to set boundaries around protecting personal energy. She is watching me flip out because we are late and then she is seeing how I apologize and reassure her that I didn’t panic because she needs help; I panicked because I have anxiety around being late.

She doesn’t need a perfectly calm parent. She needs a real person parenting her.

We Can Build Out a Framework for How We Talk to Children Calmly and Respectfully

With all the above being said, I do make sure to follow a Montessori based framework for how I speak to my daughter, and over time I have practiced how to make this normal.

The framework follow four basic principles:

1: Use positive language

When speaking to children we must tell them what to do rather than telling them what not to do. In practice, this means largely eliminating the word “don’t.”

“I do say that ‘don’ts’ are far less effective – indeed they are often definitely harmful when they fill a young child with fear or resentment.”—Dr. Maria Montessori

Children do what they hear. If you say “don’t run,” they hear “run.” But when things are framed in positive language your child is more likely to do what is needed.

Instead of —> Try

Don’t run —> Please walk

Stop hitting —> Use gentle hands

Don’t kick the seat —> Keep your feet off the seat

2: Limit your language

When I find myself getting frustrated or losing my calm because of my daughter’s behaviors, I first breathe to regulate my nervous system and then I limit my language. Chances are, if I’m frustrated, her emotions are big in that moment, too. And adding lots of lectures to an already stressful situation does nothing but overwhelm.

Have you ever been in a near car accident? The kind that makes you sweaty when you realize you are OK? In that moment immediately afterward, are you able to remember what song was on the radio, or the story on the podcast you were listening to? Probably not.

When our children are dysregulated or in the middle of a “tantrum,” they don’t care about what they did wrong; they need tools to help regulate them back to calm so they can attend to what is going on around them.

If your child has a tough time each morning getting ready to leave, make a fun song using only the things they need to get ready. So, rather than saying, “Put your socks on first, then get your red shoes and sit down and put them on and get your winter coat and zip it up, then grab your backpack and put it on,” you can instead sing, “Socks, shoes, coat, backpack.” 

By using limited language, you’re allowing your child’s brain to hear what you are saying and apply those directions rather than asking them to sift through lots of language to find what’s relevant.

3: Validate emotions

When my daughter becomes upset, even if I can’t understand why she is so upset, I validate her experience through empathy. I make space for her and her feelings: “You seem really sad that you need to clean up. You were enjoying our time together and it's hard to stop something fun and clean up.”

I also ask her whether my assumption is truly how she feels and together we ask the emotion what it needs. 

Sometimes the emotion just needs to stay and be felt. Sometimes it needs a hug. When possible, I give her all the time she needs to feel that feeling before directing her back to the thing that needs to get done, like cleaning up. 

4: Eliminate meaningless praise

I highly recommend Alfie Kohn’s work around children and praise. Please read this as you begin to understand praise and how it affects children. He and other psychologists have done much research around this topic. 

Because I am guided by this research, I am very intentional about the feedback I give my daughter. I think about what I want her to know and my own motivations before I make a comment. I also make sure that I am not placing value on things that will not build her intrinsic motivation.

For example, my daughter may be proud that she opened a jar by herself, saying to me, “Look, I opened it.” I reply: “You opened that jar by yourself. That was hard for you and you got it. You look proud.”

I am observing her reaction and sharing in her joy without making it about me placing a value on the accomplishment. If I say, “Good job!” and then the next time she tries, she can’t open that jar, is that a “bad job”? No: She is learning skills and during that time she will have varying results. The value should be placed on her resiliency and the acknowledgement that she did it even though it was hard.

I also eliminate commenting on things while she is concentrating. I wait for her to bring my attention to her accomplishment before I comment.

“When the child is attentive to his great work, he [adult] must respect the fact and not disturb him with either praise or correction.”—Dr. Maria Montessori

Dr. Montessori spoke of the adult’s view of children as individuals who have needs and must be regarded with respect. When speaking to children you can show respect by seeing the world through their eyes. You can make space for them to learn and grow spiritually by seeing them as full beings who need nurturing.