Lessen The Meltdowns When You Go Out—Prepare Your Child For What To Expect
If you have young children, you know this experience: You’re out in public, things are going well, and then your child starts … struggling with big emotions, let’s say. And these emotions come out as behaviors that are … well, not socially appropriate.
When this happens, we all walk away feeling some shame and embarrassment for how things went down. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
By preparing our children ahead of time for what’s to come and what’s expected of them, we can avoid these experiences and have pleasant, successful public outings—even with young children in tow.
Children Don’t Have Context
Have you ever gone to an event and not known the dress code? Or maybe you don’t know whether the event will be held outside or inside? Maybe you don’t know whether there will be food served.
The way we as adults cope with these situations is to find out in advance the information we need to be comfortable and prepare accordingly. If you know the dress code, you can plan what to wear. If you know you’ll be outside and it’s chilly, you bring a jacket. If there’s no food being served, you eat in advance.
Children need to be informed of these types of things in advance, as well.
If you are going to a park, will there be a big slide there? If you are going for a drive, will it be very long? Are you going to have snacks? If so, when?
The anxiety we adults feel when we do something that is unfamiliar to us is the same as the anxiety our children feel. But there are key differences for our kids.
For instance, we have experiences to draw on as we consider context (if the party is at noon, there’s probably going to be food served). And we have autonomy and agency to make appropriate decisions (maybe pack a snack bar just in case).
Children don’t have these things, so they’re left with just the anxiety.
Prepare Socially By Giving Info About What’s to Come
With the world reopening, some of our children don’t remember the social expectations of normal life. What is a zoo? Is there a bathroom there? Are there fences to keep the animals in?
Before going to a social space, we must prepare our children for what is to come.
With proper preparation, we can calm the anxieties they have and create a space of open communication for them to share their fears.
How to Prepare Your Child for Social Experiences
2 days before
Start talking about what you will do and what it will be like.
Use photos or videos if possible to explain what it will look like.
1 day before
Continue to talk about what you will do.
With your child, pack any items you need to bring with you so you can show them that you will have everything you need.
Discuss any ways your daily sequence may be different on the day of the event.
The day of
Talk in simple terms about what it will be like when you arrive.
Check in with your child about how they are feeling about the day.
Acknowledge any feelings of nervousness or apprehension by making space for them and allowing your child to feel those feelings.
Discuss any expectations you have for your child.
Discuss expectations
Keep the language short and direct.
Use positive language and avoid threats.
Keep the list to three items or fewer.
Establish and repeat some core expectations (see examples below) and provide setting- or event-specific expectations as necessary.
Give examples
“Stay where I can see you and you can see me.”
“When I say ‘stop,’ you stop.”
“I’ll give you a warning before we leave and when I tell you its time to go, we will be leaving.”
We can’t imagine all the fears and anxieties our children come up with. So we have to ask them. Before and during the event, check in with your child about how they feel. Be sure to make space for the feelings they have, rather than telling them they are OK. If you struggle with this, check out this past blog post.
Anticipate and Prepare for Your Child’s Unique Struggles
Before you go somewhere, anticipate the things your child struggles with. If you know that your child has a hard time leaving a place or transitioning from an activity, give plenty of warning.
Prepare yourself for a struggle so you don’t get overwhelmed. Come up with some fun things to suggest for when you leave, like, “Should we skip to the car or gallop?”
Anticipate and Prepare for Your Own Struggles, Too
If you have anxieties about being out socially, address them beforehand so you can be present and prepared for your child. Our children follow our leads and read our energies. If we are anxious, they will be, too.
Educate yourself about the space so you know what to expect; then, you can make sure your child is prepared, too. If there are only portable toilets where you are going, make sure you communicate this to your child so that any of their fears can be addressed before they really need to pee.
Preparation Gives Respect
When we prepare our children for what is to come, we can lessen the big emotions bursting from them. After all, the child who is shouting and crying when it is time to leave is really just expressing their feelings because they feel out of control.
The child may still feel angry because they don’t want to leave a good time, but they will not need to break down because they will have had the preparation to know what’s expected.
With proper preparation ahead of time, your child can thrive in social situations—and you can enjoy yourself, confident that your child’s big emotions won’t cause any uncomfortable situations.