Why Setting and Enforcing Boundaries with Your Child Is Important
Setting and enforcing limits is one of the most challenging parts of parenting. We work hard to enjoy time with our children and instead it often feels like we spend all our time reminding them to follow the rules. One way to help with this is to set limits. A limit is a ground rule for how we expect a child to treat themselves, their environment, and others in order to be safe.
You Just Said ‘Stop’ and Your Child Did It Again
You have told your child not to hit the dog and they hit the dog again. As an adult with a fully developed brain, you assume that because you told them to stop, they’ll stop. The truth is they can’t stop because their prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed.
This part of the brain is responsible for:
Reasoning and making judgments
Controlling impulses
Focusing attention
Predicting outcomes of behavior
While this part of your child’s brain is becoming more mature, they are learning these skills, but the application of those skills across all areas of life are not consistent. Your child’s prefrontal cortex is developing until they are 25 years old. (Take a minute to think about this!)
Why Do Children Challenge Boundaries?
Children challenge limits so they can:
Make sure you will keep them safe
Build trust and connection with caregivers
Learn what they are capable of doing and navigating
The way that children adapt to boundaries most effectively is through consistent enforcement. Each time they push a boundary, it’s important that each caregiver is reinforcing this with love and kindness.
How Do You Help?
To help a child stay and feel safe, we create limits as their brain develops. When they can’t control their impulses, we remind them of these limits to help them learn which behaviors are safe.
Setting boundaries can be challenging. That’s why I have created a FREE resource for my email subscribers: 5 Steps for Setting Boundaries with Your Child.
Boundaries Are Not Punishment
Boundaries help prepare your child for self-discipline. As we call attention to the behaviors we would like them to continue, they will extinguish those behaviors that are unsafe. When we view boundaries this way, it helps us to avoid punishing our children with boundaries.
If your child is jumping on the couch, you say, “Please sit on the couch.” When they continue to jump, you tell them, “If you sit on the couch you may stay up here with me.” Then you redirect your child to a safe couch activity .
A boundary as punishment sounds like, “If you don’t stop jumping you can’t be on the couch,” or “You’d better stop or no more couch for today.”
Finding words to say in the moment can be very challenging. The FREE printable I created for my newsletter subscribers gives you Language to Use When Setting Respectful limits.
Firm Is Not Angry
Often times we as caregivers allow our anger and frustration to drive our boundary reinforcement. You can be firm with love. Firm in this case means holding the boundary no matter the way your child responds.
If you told your child “five more minutes” at the park, you must leave after five minutes. If your child protests and says no, you hold firm to that boundary and end your activity. You can validate their feelings and hug them through their protest.
They’ll Continue Testing Boundaries to Build Trust
Even with progress, your child will keep testing their limits to make sure that you will keep your word and keep them safe. Let them know that at that moment you see that it is hard for them to handle the boundary. Get down at their level and validate their emotions.
Consistent Boundaries Give Kids a Strong Foundation
As you build trust with your child they will test your boundaries less and follow limits with more consistency. Over time this self-discipline will begin to emerge and you will hear your young child say out loud to themselves the limits you have been helping them learn.
They will carry these things with them and set their own boundaries as an adolescent and young adult. Give your child a strong foundation to make great choices in their future.
I Can Help
These tips will help, but your child and your home are unique. I can help you with setting boundaries that are specific and effective for your home and your family. Reach out to me for a 1:1 coaching session to get started.